My family has the greatest sense of humor...I believe this is where I got mine from...I'm the baby on the right in my Grandmother's arms

"I find that there is no better medicine for the soul than laughter. Once upon a time I used to do stand-up comedy, I know I'm never gonna die, because I died in Chicago at the Green Door one winter night." - Bus Howard

An amazing thing happened on the way here...I ended up on the beltway...I don't have a car.

A dude asked me, if I was still mad about something that happened 200 years ago...I said, naw...I'm mad about what happened yesterday.

I came out of the subway the other day and a man said, "I've been following you around for 5 years"...what part of my act do you like, I said...he said..."you got an act?"

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

Why is the alpahbet in that order? Is it because of that song?

2B or not 2B...what is my apartment?

Different Laws:

Monte's Law:

When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's
money fraud will result.

Bubba's Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something.

Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.

A man is walking down the street and sees a sign on a porch that says, "Talking dog for sale...$25". He wonders if this is actually true and goes up to the house and asks the man inside if this is for real. The man says it is and that the dog is tied up on the side of the house, "go around and see the dog for yourself, ask him something". The man goes around and sure enough the dog is tied up just where the man said. He asks the dog to tell him something about himself, the dog looks at the man and then after a minute or two says...well I was the best of my litter, and I once saved a man's life in a huge avalanche, I also swam the English Channel when I was a puppy, and I can speak seven languages. The man was so impressed that he ran back around to the front of the house and quickly gave the owner the $25. As he was leaving with the dog, he turned back to the man and asked him why he was selling this dog for so cheap...the man replied, "that dog is lying, he ain't did none of that stuff".

The father shark was teaching the baby shark how to hunt people...remember to circle on the first pass...slowly...and make sure your dorsal fin is high out of the water. On the second pass make sure you back fin is flapping so they can see it, that makes them bunch up closer, then go in for the kill.
After a successful hunt, the baby shark asks the father as they swim away, why didn't we just go straight in for the kill? The father replied...they taste better when all of the boo-boo is out of them.